(* Quiet piano music)
Mm, I love martinis They heal all wounds
After about a thousand of them I'm still amazed,
But your poor liver has had to work so hard
- I know, I know. I'm very proud of her. Your liver's female?
All of my internal organs are women
Listen, I have an early surprise birthday present for you
- When is your birthday, by the way? In about six months
Oh, well, then this is very early
You know the director Jim Jarmusch, right?
Down By Law, Broken Flowers?
Yeah, I love his movies Well, I saw Jarmusch the other night
Oh, he has very good hair, just
Anyway, he wants to meet with you, give you a script to read
Why does he want me to read his script?
Turns out that he loves your first novel
and he wants you to do a revision of one of his screenplays
We're gonna meet him at a Film Society party
tomorrow sometime and I've set the whole thing up for you
I don't know, you know I really should be working on my book
And look, I don't know how to write screenplays
You need a computer programme or something
It's crazy Don't be a milquetoast, Jonathan
This is a very big opportunity for you It could be a life changer
- Can one screenplay really change a life? Sometimes
Do I want my life to change? Most people do, Jonathan
Oh, shit, there's Antrem and Priscilla
No, don't turn around Sorry
What? Don't draw attention Just sit, just sit there
Who are they? - Oh, damn it, I can't stand him.
(Sighs) I can't believe this is happening
Richard used to work for me years ago
And And that's Priscilla,
my best ex wife
They recently moved back to New York
This is not gonna work Let's get out of here
Why was she your best wife? (Sighs)
Everything with her was as intimate as kissing
I never really got over it
the most orgasmic woman I've ever been with
Who was the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with?
(Laughs) Well, Antrem You could use my first name, George
But I hope I'm not the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with
I'm not that easy
Hello, Priscilla Hello, George
You look absolutely beautiful No, I don't I look like shit, but thank you
How do I look? Depraved but well fed
Jonathan, this is Richard and Priscilla Antrem
Richard is the new editor of Women's Wear Daily
George, you know I'm editing GQ Don't be petty
Oh, I'm sorry I get the two confused
Of course you do You ought to try doing The Times crossword puzzle
It's supposed to be really good for senile dementia
Richard, George, please
It's very nice to meet the both of you
- Same here. So
Who was the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with?
No, I wasn't talking about me, actually
Jonathan here mentioned a woman that he was dating
that was, what did you say, very lively?
Lively Really?
You know, you've got an awfully good grip That's probably kind of handy in bed, isn't it?
So how orgasmic was she?
Thank you about the grip
Yeah, I... She was... I don't want to be rude
It's all right I don't mind talking about sex
It's what everybody's thinking about anyway
Why don't we sit down and have a drink and be civilised?
You know I'd love to, but we actually were on our way out right now
So maybe some other time
So anyway, um hello and goodbye
- Nice to meet you. Just
Wow, that was really weird, the way Antrem wouldn't let go of my hand
Oh, he's a strange and tormented creature
It really disturbs me that Priscilla loved me once and now loves him
I hate to think what that means
They're very nice ladies Well, one of them is
I'd be doing them a huge favour
I don't feel good about this I don't want you to be a sperm donor
But it's flattering They're fans of my work
I've never had lesbian fans before They should go to a sperm bank
You can't just give your sperm to two girls you met in a café
I met you in a café
Ray, I just feel like you shouldn't be doing this
The world is overpopulated
You know there's an island of plastic the size of Texas in the Pacific
I know, Leah. You told me this a thousand times
Please don't dismiss what I'm saying Overpopulation is important to me
Look, I don't think that me giving these lesbians one illegitimate child
is gonna add that much plastic
You have two children Why can't I have one?
But you haven't thought this through
You don't listen to me (Sighs)
I do listen I've heard everything you've said
Really? You don't listen listen I want you to go for therapy
Oh, God
OK I'll trade you therapy for sex
It's been almost three weeks
I think it's sweet you know how long it's been
(* Arto Lindsay: Mulatafuzaqueira)
Well, let's get a drink Keep an eye out for Jarmusch
God, there's a lot of good looking women here, much better than at book parties
Hello Hi
Goodbye
- White wine? Yeah
Why is it, wherever I go, I look for Suzanne?
Because your heart's broken, Jonathan
You're looking for the piece that is her to put it back together
I'll probably do the same with Priscilla now that she's back in town, God help me
Well, if this thing works out with Jarmusch I'll be so distracted I'll forget about Suzanne
Movies equal money, women, glamour, more women
I like that That's positive thinking But is any of it meaningful?
No, but it's fun
Mm, there's Jarmusch
All right, let's go All right?
Look at that hair God I love that
Jim Hey, George
This is I'm sorry, I forgot your name We just met
Miriam Nice to meet you George Christopher
- And this is Jonathan Ames. Hello
Ah, the man I want to meet It's very nice to meet you
Would you excuse us? We have some business to talk over
- Sure. Thanks
Are those hummingbirds?
Oh, yes Yeah, they're dipping their beaks into flowers
I love them
- What was your name again? Miriam
So I really loved your novel
Dark, funny, perverted, beautiful
You must really suffer from the terrifying clarity of your vision
Thank you I do suffer Thank you
Take a look at this screenplay. I kind of dashed it off
- It's about the New York poet Frank O'Hara. OK
He had a beautiful nose like a boxer - Yeah, I know. I love his nose.
He got run over by a dune buggy on Fire Island
Anyway, I'd like you to think about doing a rewrite on this
George has my number Great Thank you for this opportunity
I love your work and I can't wait to read this
- Thanks. Oh!
Did you have this script made just for me? My name's on the cover
Well, you know, now when you give someone a script to read
it's kind of standard practice to laser print their name on every page
Oh, I see Well, this is not a big deal, but my name is misspelled
There's no O at the end It's Jonathan, not Jonathon.
Yeah, man, I don't know It's not really important
But call me tomorrow and it's really great to meet you
Great to meet you - Thanks, Jonathan.
All right Thank you, Jim Jarmusch
Whoo Do you know Jim Jarmusch?
Uh, yeah He's my favourite director of all time
His films are like poems that come to life
It's really interesting that you should say that
The film that we might work on together is actually sort of about that
You're gonna work with Jim Jarmusch?
Yeah
(* Diskjokke: Flott Flyt)
I don't want to go to a bar on Smith Street Let's just go back to my place
I live with my dad, but he'll be out tonight. We can have a drink there
OK, what year again are you at NYU?
- Senior. Senior? OK
Wait, so you're 22, right? I'm going to be soon I'm 21
You don't think I'm too old, do you? I'm 30
30 is cool I've been with guys older than you
But are you a man or a boy?
Well, what's the difference?
With a man you feel like you're being taken and you like it
And with a boy you feel like they're stealing something from you and you don't like it
Huh
This is it Thank you
Shit, my dad is home already We can go to Seventh Avenue for a drink
No, we'll go in his office. It's fun in there
Wow, it's a beautiful brownstone
Oh, your dad's a therapist? Yeah, he's a pain in the ass
He thinks he's the Carl Jung of Brooklyn I like Carl Jung
Not when he's your dad and he acts like your diary is part of the collective unconscious
Wait Sorry, I keep thinking about people sitting on this couch
- talking about being sexually abused. Oh
- That's what makes it fun. Oh
You're a good kisser Am I a manly kisser?
Yeah
Do you want to go to my prom with me?
NYU has proms?
Oh, shit I'm drunk
I should be honest with you I don't go to NYU
- Where do you go? Hunter? St Anne's
The high school? How old are you?
Old enough - Wait, wait, wait.
You want me to go to your senior prom, right?
You're 18? No, junior prom
- You're 17?
- 16 years old? But I'll be 17 in two weeks
You're 16? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Don't freak out I haven't been a virgin for almost a year
I probably know more about sex than you do
I know plenty about sex, OK?
That doesn't matter You said you were 21 years old
There's a big difference between 21 and 16
Look, I'm sorry You're beautiful, but I have to leave I feel really guilty
I wish I had met you in high school I wouldn't have liked you then
That's true (Sighs)
If you really have to go, I want to give you something to remember me by
And you can tell Jim he can put me in his movie
Whoa! Don't do that Don't do that
No, no
Dad!
What the hell is going on in here?
(* Big Lazy: Princess Nicotine)
No, please
That's right Run, you little shit!
Oh, shit, the script
(Dad) You're going to your mother's (Girl) You don't understand me
I don't want to! You're going to your mother's
You can't deal with being attracted to your own daughter
Do not try to pull transference on me. I invented transference
(Screams)
I called the girl, but she's already in Connecticut with her mom
so she can't get the screenplay
What the hell am I gonna do?
You gotta break into that place I can't break into a therapy office
What difference does it make that it's a therapy office?
No, it's not possible
George is gonna kill me and so is Jim Jarmusch
Well, they can't both kill you
Look, just call the dad and ask for it
He will shoot me She's only 16 years old, Well, nearly 17 Nearly 17
- You didn't sodomise her, did you? No!
That's too bad
You gotta be careful A lot of things fall under sodomy
I wonder if kissing is sodomy Don't say that
OK, I need to get this screenplay
I'm supposed to call Jim Jarmusch today and tell him what I think
Don't answer your phone. That's what I would do
But I don't want it to blow over I want this
I can't work on my novel I need this job
What about you go to the therapist as a patient?
Why? I don't need help - No, it's not about that.
It's about getting the script You could act like you've lost control,
then just stick your hand behind the couch, grab the thing and flee
- Why don't you do that? Because I'm too close to the whole situation
I'll blow it Please
I'll pay for the therapy, give you 50 bucks and buy you dinner at Sammy's Romanian
I do like Sammy's
OK, yeah I mean, Leah has been trying to get me to go to therapy
and maybe this way she'll get off my back and onto hers
What? What did I say?
Uh, Jonathan found a therapist that he likes,
and I'm gonna go,
just like you said, so then we'll, you know
Great, cos once you go for a few months
and learn the language we can go for couples' counselling
So what should I talk about in there?
The guy already thinks I'm nuts, asking for a suicidal emergency meeting
No, that's fine Just throw a fit,
pull back the couch, grab the script and run out of there
That is the worst plan ever I gotta warm up before I flip out
I gotta lull the guy in If I go nuts immediately
he might try to throw a straitjacket on me or something
That's true
Maybe I'll come up with some fake issues like, uh...
I overeat You sort of do, don't you?
Don't be rude Sorry
Or maybe talk about how Leah never wants to have sex with me
Well, that sounds like another real issue Do you want my help or not?
Yes, I'm sorry OK, that's the place right there
OK, I'll see you in an hour Or 50 minutes
Ray
Thank you for saving my life
I'll wait for you here by this tree
OK, thank you, Boo Radley
Hey, where's the screenplay?
I didn't get it I forgot, I'm sorry
The session was too much What the hell happened in there?
He gutted me like a fish
He said I was so cut off from my feelings that everyone in my life would die
without knowing that I ever really loved them
Oh, God, that's terrible I'm sorry
- I want to go home. OK
I want a beer. I want an ice cream sandwich
I want to take a nap And then I'm going to
(Sobbing)
I want to read a comic book
I want to watch Little House On The Prairie and I want a vodka
Well, this is the biggest screw up ever
How old was the girl? 14?
No no, 16, nearly 17
Oh, well, that's not so bad. Polanski was much worse
- Polanski? Yeah
You have got to get this screenplay back Jarmusch is gonna blame me
I'm sorry, George
I think you did this on purpose You self sabotaged
(Woman) George, are you coming back to bed?
- I'm lonely. In a minute Put on the TV
Who's in there? Uh, Miriam from the other night
She's not Priscilla, but she's wonderful
You know, I'm very oral nowadays
I feel like I'm half man, half infant
George, please I watch TV all the time
- Hi, Jonathan. Hi
I'll be right in
You look absolutely beautiful
So do you
God (Laughs)
She makes me feel like I'm 50 again
Now I'm feeling oral
OK, all right, look, you gotta work this out
I don't want Jarmusch pissed off at me How will I get the script back?
I don't know I'm gonna have to give you tough love
You you did this You clean it up
(Miriam) George, please
(Chuckles)
(Sighs)
I'm proud of you for going to therapy
I'm sorry, I can't tonight
That guy eviscerated me
- My penis is totally recessed. What?
When I was a little kid I used to like to push my penis in
to make it look like it disappeared
Today that happened all by itself
(Whimpers)
I'm not the kind of therapist that pussyfoots around
I like to dig in fast and I give feedback
Stop fidgeting What are you doing with your arm?
Nothing I'm just nervous Put your hands in your lap Focus
Sit up Good posture sends positive messages to the brain
We're here to work So what are your issues? Give them to me
Well, I am sad about this break up I just went through
- She left you? Yes
And you feel rejected and unlovable and can't understand why she no longer loves you?
- Yes. You do know she is not
- the only source of love for you in the world? But I want her love
We don't get everything we want in life You don't get to have her love
That's it End of story Next issue
Oh Erm OK, well
I'm a writer, and I've been struggling to write my second novel
I'm thinking about moving over to writing screenplays
Have you? Not yet
OK, let's talk about the second novel
Was your father competitive with you, didn't like your mother showing you attention?
Mm, a little He never complimented me
And whenever I hugged my mother he said
that it disturbed him to see me acting like a mama's boy
Well, simple then, you can't write a second book
because you're afraid to hurt your father, it's a classic Oedipal setup
But how is writing my novel being like Oedipus?
Because in doing so, you will surpass your father
Oedipus killed his father and slept with his mother
Success for you is like murder But you are not a murderer
Hmm. Well, thank you. So what should I do?
Just know that you're allowed to write a second book
and your father won't be hurt, and if he is, fuck him.
But I love my dad
Well, then don't write a second novel and don't come whining to me
Next issue
Put the hands in the lap
Focus Next issue
All right
I put up this thing on Craigslist
advertising myself as an unlicensed private detective
I've had a few cases So what's the problem?
Is it wrong? I do say I'm unlicensed
Sounds to me like you're leading a double life
I think that I am I'm like a Russian doll
There's all these versions of me in me
There's only one you and he's running away from his life
Oedipus, you know, was the first detective in literature
He uncovered mysteries to find out who he was
I'm sorry, so let me just get this straight
I'm not gonna get my girlfriend back, I'm afraid to write my second novel,
- and I'm a 21st-century Oedipus? Yes
Hm But there is one other thing
I know why you're really here
I'm not an idiot, you know Your name is on every page
I would have used a false name when I made the appointment
but my insurers are sticklers and
- So you know about me and Claudia? Yes
And you're not mad? I thought she was 21 We did only kiss She's very mature for her age
I promise I only kissed her I'm not mad at you
My daughter is precocious and wild like my ex wife
She likes to sleep with boys in my office Electra complex So I don't blame you
Thank you, but we did only kiss
Also I don't mix my personal life and my work life
This office is my professional domain,
a sanctuary where clients can be safe
And you're a client, even though you're here under false pretenses
I am sorry - But outside these doors,
I would cease to be a therapist
- I would become a father. I understand
Considering the circumstances,
I want to end the session now (Sighs) Thank you
So why were you so hell bent on getting this script back?
Well, because I have a chance to work with Jim Jarmusch
- And if I do, my whole life could change. Sounds like an illusion to me
Lives don't change We simply become more comfortable with our core misery,
which is a form of happiness
Right
Thank you for being so understanding about everything
- Uh. One last thing. Yeah?
If you go near my daughter again I'll break your fucking neck!
(Groans)
(Gasps)
(Groans)
Same time next week?
Hey, Jonathan I'm glad you found me
(Toots horn)
This is where I do my best thinking
Yes, the place is great
Jim, Mr Jarmusch, your assistant said you were here
Sorry to intrude but I read the script, which I love,
and I've got a lot of good ideas about what to do
Oh, man, that's too bad, you know
When I didn't hear from you yesterday I called Charlie Kaufman
He's been sitting on this script for, like, two months.
He finally read it and he wants to do the revisions
But I've got a lot of good thoughts
I'm really sorry about this, you know, but I can't say no to Charlie Kaufman
But you know what? I'll keep you in mind if something comes up
I do make a new film, like, every four years or so
You should write another book, man
I'd definitely read it
(Sighs)
(Toots horn)